White Girl Completes Cleanse

If your an avid Rapunzel follower, you’ll remember my post about a month ago, about trying out a new cleanse. I’m letting you know, THAT I COMPLETED IT. Hallelujah Dear Jesus, I made it out alive. To recap, my cleanse consisted of no dairy, no gluten, and two protein shakes a day instead of breakfast and lunch. Over these past 30 days I have had a few thoughts running through my head:

  • you need 7 jobs to pay for any gluten free goods (eg; bread, crackers, cookies, pasta)
  • you DO get tired of having an omelette for dinner after four consecutive days
  • thats weird..I don’t look pregnant at the end of the day anymore
  • my one and only soulmate, poutine, I think has broken up with me due to my consistent absence
  • Beer…..I still love you, I just want to see other people
  • my skin no longer looks like the surface of the moon
  • salads are OVERRATED, mmm grass and vinegar
  • I would do something extremely illegal for a chicken nugget right about now
  • I could live off of dairy & gluten free mac and cheese
  • I haven’t slept this good in forever
  • I also couldn’t tell you the last time I took a nap

Now you’re probably all wondering…..did I celebrate? Yes, the first day after my cleanse, I woke up, had my protein shake, worked out, and then ordered a pizza and ate in on my roof, PLOT TWIST IT WAS GLUTEN FREE. For the most part, I’m going to continue being gluten and dairy free which means I’ll also be broke….donations will be accepted at anytime.

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12 Year Old Trouble

Last weekend I was feeling pretty broke, what I mean to say, is I visited home for the weekend. This home is about an hour away from Toronto, now normally I take the bus, but I was offered a ride this particular weekend. I don’t care if that ride is a 45 year old caucasian male with a mustache, tinted car windows and drives a vehicle that could fit a few dozen kids in the back, you accept that free ride. Just kidding, I had relatives passing through the city. One of these relatives, happened to be my 12 year old spitfire of a cousin. This kid is always on the go, loves to chat and eats up being the center of attention. This guy is also in the stage of life where he has no filter, therefore, it made for some good blog material. In the hour car ride alone, I was asked the following questions, in no particular order;

Have you gotten drunk yet?

Can I see your tattoo?

Do you have any other tattoos?

Are you the only single one in your family?  (Come ON man)

Can I download an app on your phone so I can watch TV?

Can I look at your instagram?

Can I like this selfie for you?

Can I have your email/iMessage?

Why don’t you have a boyfriend ?

And for the finale, Are you becoming a lesbian?

 

If your wondering if I answered all of these adoring and non invasive questions with patience and zero sarcasm, you’re absolutely correct. After all, this boy did forget my name on multiple occasions because I only see him twice a year, I’ve got to make a lasting impression on the young ones. For future reference, don’t give your 12 year old cousin your number because I guarantee you will wake up to 7 text messages saying Hi and Yolo.

Sunburnt Newbie

I want to apologize to my valued followers, I have been…misleading. A few weeks ago I accepted a job offer at a clothing store, but lets be clear I only didn’t tell you because its part time, I STILL FEEL UNEMPLOYED, IF ITS ANY CONSOLATION. Yesterday I had my second shift at the store and it actually went pretty good. I was scheduled to work right when the store opened, like a keener I showed up twenty minutes early and because the store wasn’t open yet I had to be let it. Here lies my first problem, Im standing at the front doors knocking waiting to be let in. Not one, not two, but three employees make eye contact with me and don’t let me in, GUYS IM NEW OK. It was one of those eye contacts where they look at me for a split second and think “shit I wish I never looked at her”, I’m standing behind a glass door….I know you can see me. The fourth girl looked at me for a good thirty seconds before she decided to let me in. If that wasn’t enough, I was late for the opening meeting because I was sitting in the break room doing nothing, I wasn’t aware we had those meetings, BECAUSE IM NEW OK. Next in this series of events, lets point out to the new girl that she has a sun burn, incase she already doesn’t know…if its a sunburn on my face, I’m probably aware. Therefore I heard the following:

“Were you on the patio like, all weekend?”

“Hey Pinky”

“Uhh why is your face all red?”

Could I respond with any witty comment yet, no, BECAUSE IM NEW and no one gets my sense of humour yet. For the record, I get embarrassed easily and my face turns red in a millisecond, its practically a talent, therefore my face managed to go even more red every time someone decided to comment. 

So there…I’m half-employed, can I get a medal or something?

Extra Desperate

Since I’m so desperate for money lately, my agency sent me a casting to be an extra in a music video, for an international DJ that I had never heard of. The pay was a measly 25.00 for 4-5 hours of work, but since I have nothing else going on, I accepted the offer. To begin with, there was no set address for the shoot location, they gave me an intersection and I was just suppose to show up. We were also asked to dress in business suit/attire and to look professional (I was a fine arts major as if I own or will ever own a suit). I found the set crew and all of the other extras huddled in tents on the sidewalk, was this really where I was spending my precious Monday? Yup. We waited around in the cold for a few hours until we were needed on set so I got to talking with some of the other extras, and they were outraged that I didn’t know the DJ we were shooting for, the producer for the shoot asked me how old I was, I told him 21, and he responded “you’re too old, thats why you haven’t heard of him”. Hold up. What was that? IM TOO OLD????? I almost had a god damn heart attack thats how old I felt at that second. How dare he, I am at the prime of my life, WOULDN’T YOU AGREE? Anyways, the rest of the day I spent walking on the streets being a pedestrian for the video, being freezing cold and pretending to be professional about it. In this one particular scene, the lead actor was suppose to be running through the crowd of extras, and we were suppose to be pushing him back. As a small person, I was below shoulder height of this actor and obviously not a force to be reckoned with while trying to push him back. As I was attempting this, my extremely long hair got caught under the actors armpit, so I am literally attached to him while he was getting shoved back, my head banging around and I’m feeling completely helpless as usual. All I’m thinking of is, what a show the editors are going to have while watching this footage of the idiot with the long hair, it was NOT my fault.

Anyways, if I ever make it into the video I’ll post it on here and get your opinion, who knows maybe I have a career as an extra?

Welcome to Heaven

It has now been four days since I moved into my new place downtown Toronto, and I absolutely love it, its practically heaven on earth compared to where I was before

Pros:

– its the cutest god damn place Ive ever seen

– I live across the street from a grocery store and a wine store, I’ll never feel lonely again

– I live with the best possible humans available in the 21st century

– I’ll no longer have an hour long drunk commute on the subway to go to the bars, watch out world

– Got a house fish called Mr Noodle or Chicken for short, (use asian accent when pronouncing) 

Cons:

-The house is 101 years old and my roommates are insisting its haunted

– I have a Gollum sized closet in my room, who knows what could be lurking in there

-Our couches wouldn’t fit up the stairs

-Had to buy a toddler sized couch from Ikea and had to assemble it, (Obviously I just watched)

-I swear the stairs are booby trapped, I will fall down once a week

-There is a huge skylight in my bathroom that we can’t figure out how to cover up so, neighbours you’re welcome

-Live directly across from a public school, little noisy runts

ALL IN ALL, I love it here 

stay tuned for when I hate it.

PS my mom insisted on taking a picture of me in front of my new place, it may or may not be floating around Facebook if she figured out how to post it.

 

 

Sayonara Shithole

Today is moving day and I could not be more excited. For the past four years I’ve been living in the ghetto, now most students refer to their student home as the ghetto, but I could not be more serious. I actually live in the most dangerous area of Toronto, for example, HAPPY HOLIDAYS last Christmas a man ran around my subdivision with a gun dressed as Santa, warm wishes to all. Around here, sirens are as common as birds chirping and strange occurrences are the regular.  

Indecent Exposure? Check.

Gun Violence? Yup.

Landlords who think 16 bedrooms in one home is appropriate? You betcha.

Bedrooms without windows? You got it baby.

Fire alarms going off at midnight because someone burnt their chicken fingers? Absolutely.

Back stabbing roommates? Always.

What about that time I legitimately had a stalker and had to file a police report? (If you’re reading this, yes you, I still have your license plate number).

But the main reason I’m happy to be moving out, is that Satan’s Spawn and Voldemort now have NO idea where I live, it’s a completely new chapter in my life. This means my heart will no longer stop beating whenever I hear the front door open, in preparation of my first fist fight (I could take them). Adios, to the home I was scared to walk out of, in fear of being abducted by my drug selling neighbour, to new beginnings!

 

PS this one time I was house hunting in my ghetto and was shown a place where a girl had been murdered a few months prior…that’s all.